I am not entirely wanting to blog today, but there are things that must be expressed nevertheless. My reticence stems from the fact that I have little to report. Status not changed. And I have no new insights.
Although now that I dig a little deeper, perhaps I did learn some things today. Firstly, although it can be tiresome, you have to keep expressing yourself. There is suddenly this big gap that was filled with ears and arms, and now that that is gone, bottles can start to fill a little shelf inside... and we all know what happens to bottles on a wall. When they fall, everything shatters. So expression is vital. That is not to say whining is an option. No, I mean express everything. What you thought about that lecture today, and how you felt about talking in it as much as you did. How it made you feel when you picked up a jacket from the dry cleaners to leave it in a bar for Lovely Man to find. How hard it was to leave such a short, curt note in the pocket explaining the money when you have so much more to say. That it was silly of you to go to a cafe on your own when you know that cafe holds many memories...
All things must be told to someone, and that is why I must keep writing this, even though it means that at the end of every day I have to evaluate things, and that makes me think about how rubbish I feel. But it will also serve to show me that I am making progress, if I make progress!
Kind words and scriptures and visions are keeping me going. I really don't know how people get through pain without God. I mean, I turn to Him even when I am not in pain, I just love having Him around, but it's times like these that so often clarify His general incredibleness.
Minor updates - Lovely Man finally texted me back with the details and said that he hopes I am well. I didn't text back as I have nothing to say. I did however do the things I alluded to previously, so now almost all little loose ends are tied up. No more excuses for contact - perhaps rule one will finally be obeyed entirely. I think maybe I am feeling the beginnings of anger, in a very healthy gentle way. I don't want to expand yet.
Maybe tommorrow I won't wake up feeling like a tonne of bricks are rotting inside me.
I have the song Labyrinth Earthquake going through my head almost constantly. I find this slightly disturbing as this music is not of my usual preferences, but well... the jig-saw puzzle that is me is changing shape and making way for new things!
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