Sometimes trying to grasp what is actually going on is pretty difficult. For so long this thing had been in place, a thing that was comfortable, and wonderful and fitted so nicely, and now it's no longer there, and adjusting is difficult. The practical day-to-day adjustments are evident, like suddenly having more time on your hands, but it's the internal that is in turmoil, flickering between what is real and not real to realign your thinking.
That's why rule 5 is KEEP REAL. That means not expecting miracles in short periods of time, and not being surprised when the waterworks still pop up so easily. I know it's only day 5, but I lost Lovely Man a little while ago. I can only see this now, and realize that I have been hurting for longer than I knew. So it is almost a relief that what happened, happened.
One thing I am finding useful is to really think positive, and that's real. It hopefully isn't a case of saying things like 'Well, now I don't have to deal with general scumbaggedness!' but rather 'Now I can focus on all those friendships I left to the wayside', or 'Now it doesn't matter where the jobs I apply for are, I am free to go anywhere, with no regrets!'. In my case, I am just happy to not be waiting to see him each day. It was my fault that I waited, a casualty of love, but I am truly relaxed, and happy in the little moments again, not restless, anxious till I get my 'Lovely Man' fix! Oh how silly we become in love!
Today was ok. I woke up feeling heavy, and wanted to sleep more (sleep offers so much respite, although if you read my other blog, suupedupscience, you may learn that in fact sleep may seer bad feelings into the memory. Its contentious though, so we shall ignore it!) but I couldn't sleep, and so was up early and ready way before lectures started. I made myself feel pretty, wearing a pink flower in my hair, spending extra time on my make-up and set out into the miserable wet day. Sadness came when I dropped is jacket into the dry cleaners (he left it, I had said I would drop it off for him). It smelled like him - I'll miss that a lot; his smell always made everything ok. I also found two letters I had written to him in his jacket pocket. I don't know what that made me feel. It only showed me myself.
The lecture was cancelled and I spent the day very very busy online sorting a million things out - it felt great, and kept anything and everything at bay. Rule 2 works. Then homeward bound.
Bus journeys = not good. Music, nostalgia and time to think.
So I arrived at my folks' house splitting at the seams. Yet I felt this compulsion to keep it all together, even though it's the one place you really can just fall apart. I hope I am not burying it. I suppose that's what the blog does - makes sure I don't. I am becoming increasingly aware that people are actually reading this, and that makes me feel a little less insane. As the hours after midnight slowly approach, I put all my support things within reach... tissues, aloe night cream (for the puffiness and redness), cat (for comfort) and just general softness, so that whatever comes and can come unimpeded. Nah, I'm not bottling too much.
Also, God said to me (through a friend) that He thinks I am beautiful...... but that He also thinks frogs are beautiful!
AND IT MADE ME HAPPY.
Definitely keeping it real.
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