Day 2 - That Dark Black Place

RULE TWO: KEEP BUSY


I woke up feeling like a train had smashed into my head, oozing darkness into my being. Thank goodness the antibiotics had started to work - I laughed when I realised how cheesy my mind is: 'It's bad enough to have Bronchitis, but then to have the air sucked out of your lungs...'


But health permitted me to get up. Some more episodes containing violence and crime (where the bad guys always get caught) eased me into the day. Punchy music on my iPod (Parov Stelar and Elbow, if you want to know) and I was off to work. I work in retail, customer focused cosmetics. Its the 'Hi, how can I help you, please buy lots of things', smiley face, that is required that is difficult to pull off when you feel your insides are melting. 




I broke down as I arrived, but fortunately, working with all girls, I got lots and lots of sympathy. I'm not sure sympathy really helps though - 'you'll find somebody else' actually just sounds like a new mission to be accomplished, one you neither agreed to nor wanted. I like 'His loss' because it's true, in every situation. Not a huge fan of 'well maybe it's for the best' because how can you know that. I am happy to have my faith, (And God has been wonderful throughout this, constantly telling me to not be afraid - exactly what I needed- and that he keeps His promises) but we live on a linear timeline, were things happen and completely alter the course of life... one little change, and everything is different. But the alternative paths are not visible to us, so we never ever know if it's for the best. Like I said, faith is useful at this point.


So the second day was the toughest. I cried a lot, but I was also busy, so it was easier. Plus, due to Chinese New Year, I had to wear Geisha-like makeup with huge bright pink cheeks, just perfect for covering up puffy redness. Rule Two KEEP BUSY.


I broke yesterdays rule again:


I know I am writing again, It just suddenly occured to me that New Years was only two weeks ago...so a shift in feelings over a short period like that isn't something to be alarmed about. 

But again, this is all probably for the best.

Would like to hear from you at some point with regards to the bank details.

Love

(he had explained that his feeling had been different since New Years.)

And

Actually the more I think about it, the more I think it could still work - we just need to be more separate, giving each other space... not having to meet EVERY single day, but have a date night once or twice a week. I dunno, I am probably harping on and making this 'clear' cut messy, but you have to remember that when this all happened I was feeling really sick and cloudy and I finally have half my brain back... really not great timing, I think we could have worked through this.

Of course, if you still think not, then again, guess its for the best, I am not completely freaked out, just sad.

Yea, I sound totally desperate. He was my best friend and I still love him to bits - we were so great for each other. It used to be a little one-sided - he adored me and wanted to marry me, and I was a little reticent. Tables turn I guess. The last time we broke up, he wooed like hell to get me back - took me up a church tower and played the bells for me, my own personal melody that would ring across the city, telling of how much he loves me. Only a few months ago. Still a mystery. Still suspicious.

Thanks Hubble!