So I suppose it is a roller coaster affair I am in for. I had hoped for a gradient - slowly going from feeling terrible to feeling better, each day better than the last. But not so. Considering yesterdays general elation, today was the polar opposite. It coincides, I believe with a quite day at work, which gave me far to much time to think.
I keep promising myself that I won't obsess with what went wrong... the 'maybes' and 'whatifs', but to no avail. I keep thinking that there is something I missed, something I don't know about or something that I should have done. Suspicions cloud my mind, and that sickening feeling in my stomach unfolds. Some guy I know from Church came in today to tell me that God has a plan, and that it is filled with His great love for me. I burst out crying - it was just great! And everyone keeps saying things like, get under the fold of his love, and get closer, so it helps. It does amaze me that people say these things with no idea whats going on.
Meditating on certain ideas, or verses, helps stem the darkness.
So does donning Geisha-like makeup and taking your cat for a walk...
Now due to my foul mood I have pushed everyone away who was reaching out to me, and with my little cat tucked under my arm, I am gonna get serious and be sad for the evening. Maybe if I get it out of my system then I can just prance along as usual.
I miss him.
I miss him.
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