Day 12 - Newness and circles

RULE 10: EXPAND YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE


So, coming from keeping busy to just saying yes, this is a pretty clear graduation. My day began early for work and continued in a frantic bet to complete this campus challenge on time. I have realised that I am somewhat of an enabler when it comes to team work, and knowing this made me happy - for future interviews and the like, I know my role; I can accept it and fall into it quickly. Knowing thyself might not really be the core of wisdom, but it does make a difference


Respite finally came when I went to visit an old friend who I hadn't seen in almost a year. Yummy food, excellent conversations (and pretty good music, as I dubbed myself DJ) coupled with the best tea ever allowed for rejuvenation of the soul. But this was only the beginning. Leaving the house, we ventured into the cold, cold night (there were diamonds on the pavement), off to a Christian Union Meeting.

This just made me laugh, but also echoes social circles due to Venn aspect

Now understand, I used to be a part of the CU, fulfilling the role of the treasurer. But, while everyone was truly lovely, I never had a huge desire to integrate, communicate and just conjugate with the little community. It was my own fault - I never really tried to get to know anyone. But tonight was brilliant, and I think all that changed was my attitude - I just say yes. 


We talked about prayer and got totally excited about future plans for instigating  a 24/7 prayer room/week/movement in Cork/UCC. I got shivers for most of the meeting. And now I have countless overtures of friendship which shall hopefully be followed through with, to which I intend to reciprocate. The loneliness that so often threatens to overwhelm me at night, has shriveled and dissipated, at least for now.


Progress has been tremendous, God is good. But I will still allow myself to feel sad, to feel regret or anything else. I refuse to bear a front or be stupidly brave, just as I refuse to fall apart. It is not necessary. Memories once treasured, are slowly being locked away, shrinking in importance. And although they will always have some little feature - time is worth remembering, the hold that was once so undeniable in my life is being broken, releasing me, and giving me freedom. Maybe this paints a dark picture of the relationship before, and I don't intend for this to be the case - I just think that the retrospective glance, enhanced, shows up shadows I couldn't see at the time.

Day 11 - On the Up

So I missed two days of posting, perhaps I am recovering, perhaps this outlet is declining as a necessity, which would be a good sign.

A friend come and stayed with me for two days over the weekend. I still carried on with the many enterprises I am involved in, but it was so lovely to just have the company. Sometimes when you just meet people for fleeting moments, like over lunch, you never quite settle into the conversations - you never get past the 'How are you's?' to the point where you can just relax and exist together. So spending longer time with someone, you really get to just... be. It was good.

Still tripping on dubstep - getting me through. This week is going to be busy - good old rule number 2. Bank of America Challenge, Assignments, Setting up the radio show, Cloud computing article for Science spin, and making sure I have something to do every moment of the day - that in itslef is a time-consuming activity! I feel a lot freer in general, and I am relishing it.

I can't seem to work out any more rules. Considering the reviving effects having an old friend around, perhaps that shall be the next rule:

RULE 9: SEE OLD FRIENDS

I would have been worried that perhaps, seeing as many old friends can be mutual, that this may cause problesm, and I am sure it could. But good friends can separate themselves from a break-up, with no need to take sides. To be safe, I guess stay away from people who may have unequal loyalties ...

A little anger has developed due to the fact I have one or two more things that belong to Lovely Man to give him. I texted him early yesterday, in an amiable and friendly way, asking what he wants me to do with the stuff - offering to drop it somewhere, or for him to pick it - I really wouldn't mind. No reply. At all. And no acknowledgement for receiving the money etc. that I dropped last week.

I don't reaaaaaallly mind, it just shows me something: I no longer have to deal with this kind of thing! I don't have to wait for him anymore. During the course of the relationship, I didn't mind delayed replies and such - they are just texts, and I would see him. But in situations like this, it is just polite to not keep someone wondering, especially if they are doing you a favour! So a little anger/frustration peaks. It especially annoys me that it is not like I am trying to open up communication pathways, or trying to get him back or anything of the sort, but the fact that I have no reply makes me feel as if I am, and self respect comes under attack. BAH! I think the pseudonym Lovely Man shall be changed. Or maybe I just wont talk about him anymore! HA!

Letting go, letting go, letting go...

Day the Ninth

Well, another day. Buckshot le Fonque (the song) goes around in my mind now and then. Look it up.


Things that do not help with maintaining a calm exterior in the midst of an emotional storm are:


1. Facebook stalking
2. Finding a t-shirt he left at the back of your wardrobe
3. Talking about things
4. Wearing stuff he bought you
5. Listening to Adele
6. Knowing exactly where he is due to gigs


Things that do work


1. All of my rules so far
2. Listening to Dubstep
3. Never sitting still for a moment
4. Seeing my mum for a brief moment


I am excited though. The editor of Sciencespin (can be found online at sciencespin.com or by subscription) has asked me to write a feature article on Cloud Computing. Due in two weeks. So official! Watch this space... next stop New Scientist!


I am babysitting now, watching Friends, waiting to meet up with an old friend later. Distractions, distractions, distractions. I just feel a little... vacant. 

Day 8 - The Headless Chicken

RULE 8: BREAK YOUR SCHEDULE

This rule follows on nicely from RULE 7: JUST SAY YES. I think when big things change, when something slips out of your life, filling the gap is not about finding a complete replacement - you can't replace a person unless you replace them with another person, and that's rebound. Instead, fill it with doing lots of DIFFERENT things, every day - make every day as varied and as exciting as you can.

What do I have on the go? I am partly writing this to remind myself what I have to do!

1. College - two assignments completed this week. More on the way.
2. The Bank of America Challenger (we could win money) starting next week
3. Writing for the College Magazine - article done and dusted a week in advance of deadline. It will be up on my other blog, suupedupscience in a while, so keep an eye out.
4. Preparing for a new radio show I want to broadcast, also suupedupscience. Script written, need to just present it to the radio manager in a few days and work out a good slot to broadcast in.
5. Requesting to write freelance for a science magazine (which will be linked, if they accept my articles/ideas). Positive replies so far, so I could be a real-life journalist soon...
6. Friends - meet with someone different every day. Not quite successful, not that many people around, but I have had random conversations in Burger King with an old friend, a crazy encounter at a bus stop, and countless chats with friends farflung across the globe.
7. Responsibilities - all things are getting paid, and my cat gets walked frequently.

Busyness is paying off, despite the fact I look like a headless chicken. I am also thinking of changing my hair - any suggestions?

The only side effects of this busyness are a sore back and the inability to sit still. So when things get quiet, I struggle a bit. I am like a child with ADHD, overdosed on sugar. The worst is trying to sit down and talk to someone... I just can't focus on what they are saying unless I am also checking my emails/updates/writing and article. Twitchy leg syndrome abounds! I am sure I will chill soon... hopefully....

Day 7... to be continued

The day has barely begun, but I feel the need to write. This may be a two entry day, but we shall see. I have no new rule. But here is some listening that is keeping me going:

http://8tracks.com/paisleyferrin/when-one-door-closes-another-door-opens-songs-to-smile-to?mix_set_id=3


I had many dreams last night, and woke up tired, but it wasn't hard to get up and out of bed. There is something that is giving me this undeniable compulsion to just keep going, grabbing at every moment that I have, constantly doing stuff. I must admit that most of this stuff is cyber-linked... blogs, videos, reading articles, applying for jobs (pray for me, I want to write for a science magazine, even just freelance, even just for free!) and just generally existing in the space between the screen and my fingers.

There is a new rule: RULE 7: JUST SAY YES

Not to drugs, to just about everything else. Do you want to take part in an extra project that will probably be a lot of work with little payoff? YES. Do you want to travel to Ballincollig to spend the night with a friend for hot chocolate and movies? (Thats a no brainer). Can I some spend Friday night at your place, even though you are babysitting? Yes, friend, you can. Do you want to write for the college magazine? YES. Want to go dancing sometime? YES. Will you come feed the homeless sometime? YES. How about starting to write for a science magazine freelance for free? Yea sure, if you want me to! And what about starting a radio show too? YES. UP FOR IT.

Have you ever seen 'YES MAN'? It inspires me. I am just going to do, and do lots.

Filling my mind with loads of facts and filling my timetable with lots of things to do is working wonderfully. I have also deleted Lovely Man from my feed - its not a horrible thing like blocking, I would just rather not see every single thing he does. It makes my heart go a little nuts. Progress, progress, progress. Every day is a step forward. Goodness, I sound like an alcoholic!

Seeing as this evening is occupied, I may not actually be able to post again, but... we'll see. I am not so dark today - one day up, one day down.

Day the Sixth - Coats and bottles

RULE 6 - KEEP EXPRESSING


I am not entirely wanting to blog today, but there are things that must be expressed nevertheless. My reticence stems from the fact that I have little to report. Status not changed. And I have no new insights.


Although now that I dig a little deeper, perhaps I did learn some things today. Firstly, although it can be tiresome, you have to keep expressing yourself. There is suddenly this big gap that was filled with ears and arms, and now that that is gone, bottles can start to fill a little shelf inside... and we all know what happens to bottles on a wall. When they fall, everything shatters. So expression is vital. That is not to say whining is an option. No, I mean express everything. What you thought about that lecture today, and how you felt about talking in it as much as you did. How it made you feel when you picked up a jacket from the dry cleaners to leave it in a bar for Lovely Man to find. How hard it was to leave such a short, curt note in the pocket explaining the money when you have so much more to say. That it was silly of you to go to a cafe on your own when you know that cafe holds many memories...


All things must be told to someone, and that is why I must keep writing this, even though it means that at the end of every day I have to evaluate things, and that makes me think about how rubbish I feel. But it will also serve to show me that I am making progress, if I make progress!


Kind words and scriptures and visions are keeping me going. I really don't know how people get through pain without God. I mean, I turn to Him even when I am not in pain, I just love having Him around, but it's times like these that so often clarify His general incredibleness.


Minor updates - Lovely Man finally texted me back with the details and said that he hopes I am well. I didn't text back as I have nothing to say. I did however do the things I alluded to previously, so now almost all little loose ends are tied up. No more excuses for contact - perhaps rule one will finally be obeyed entirely. I think maybe I am feeling the beginnings of anger, in a very healthy gentle way. I don't want to expand yet.


Maybe tommorrow I won't wake up feeling like a tonne of bricks are rotting inside me.


I have the song Labyrinth Earthquake going through my head almost constantly. I find this slightly disturbing as this music is not of my usual preferences, but well... the jig-saw puzzle that is me is changing shape and making way for new things!

Day 5 - Surreality

RULE 5: KEEP IT REAL

Sometimes trying to grasp what is actually going on is pretty difficult. For so long this thing had been in place, a thing that was comfortable, and wonderful and fitted so nicely, and now it's no longer there, and adjusting is difficult. The practical day-to-day adjustments are evident, like suddenly having more time on your hands, but it's the internal that is in turmoil, flickering between what is real and not real to realign your thinking.

That's why rule 5 is KEEP REAL. That means not expecting miracles in short periods of time, and not being surprised when the waterworks still pop up so easily. I know it's only day 5, but I lost Lovely Man a little while ago. I can only see this now, and realize that I have been hurting for longer than I knew. So it is almost a relief that what happened, happened. 

One thing I am finding useful is to really think positive, and that's real. It hopefully isn't a case of saying things like 'Well, now I don't have to deal with general scumbaggedness!' but rather 'Now I can focus on all those friendships I left to the wayside', or 'Now it doesn't matter where the jobs I apply for are, I am free to go anywhere, with no regrets!'. In my case, I am just happy to not be waiting to see him each day. It was my fault that I waited, a casualty of love, but I am truly relaxed, and happy in the little moments again, not restless, anxious till I get my 'Lovely Man' fix! Oh how silly we become in love!

Today was ok. I woke up feeling heavy, and wanted to sleep more (sleep offers so much respite, although if you read my other blog, suupedupscience, you may learn that in fact sleep may seer bad feelings into the memory. Its contentious though, so we shall ignore it!) but I couldn't sleep, and so was up early and ready way before lectures started. I made myself feel pretty, wearing a pink flower in my hair, spending extra time on my make-up and set out into the miserable wet day. Sadness came when I dropped is jacket into the dry cleaners (he left it, I had said I would drop it off for him). It smelled like him - I'll miss that a lot; his smell always made everything ok. I also found two letters I had written to him in his jacket pocket. I don't know what that made me feel. It only showed me myself.

The lecture was cancelled and I spent the day very very busy online sorting a million things out - it felt great, and kept anything and everything at bay. Rule 2 works. Then homeward bound. 

Bus journeys = not good. Music, nostalgia and time to think. 

So I arrived at my folks' house splitting at the seams. Yet I felt this compulsion to keep it all together, even though it's the one place you really can just fall apart. I hope I am not burying it. I suppose that's what the blog does - makes sure I don't. I am becoming increasingly aware that people are actually reading this, and that makes me feel a little less insane. As the hours after midnight slowly approach, I put all my support things within reach... tissues, aloe night cream (for the puffiness and redness), cat (for comfort) and just general softness, so that whatever comes and can come unimpeded. Nah, I'm not bottling too much.

Also, God said to me (through a friend) that He thinks I am beautiful...... but that He also thinks frogs are beautiful! 

AND IT MADE ME HAPPY. 

Definitely keeping it real.

Day 4 - Geisha's Cats and Tears

RULE 4: CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS

So I suppose it is a roller coaster affair I am in for. I had hoped for a gradient - slowly going from feeling terrible to feeling better, each day better than the last. But not so. Considering yesterdays general elation, today was the polar opposite. It coincides, I believe with a quite day at work, which gave me far to much time to think.

I keep promising myself that I won't obsess with what went wrong... the 'maybes' and 'whatifs', but to no avail. I keep thinking that there is something I missed, something I don't know about or something that I should have done. Suspicions cloud my mind, and that sickening feeling in my stomach unfolds. Some guy I know from Church came in today to tell me that God has a plan, and that it is filled with His great love for me. I burst out crying - it was just great! And everyone keeps saying things like, get under the fold of his love, and get closer, so it helps. It does amaze me that people say these things with no idea whats going on.

Meditating on certain ideas, or verses, helps stem the darkness.

So does donning Geisha-like makeup and taking your cat for a walk... 

Now due to my foul mood I have pushed everyone away who was reaching out to me, and with my little cat tucked under my arm, I am gonna get serious and be sad for the evening. Maybe if I get it out of my system then I can just prance along as usual.


I miss him.

Day 3 - Oyster World

RULE 3: MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD


Its the first night I have slept right through in I don't know how long! So much energy and enthusiasm, I was surprised. I suppose it has something to do with a weeklong bed rest. Still no reply from Lovely Man, not even for the bank details. I had to send him a text last minute last night as his sister had sent me belated birthday wishes. I wanted to let him know that she had talked to me, but I had said nothing about our change. His relationship status on facebook finally changed.


A lovely day that began by making myself feel pretty. I had dyed my hair a slightly darker blonde last night, so I felt good, and new and stunning. Off to work, much earlier than needs be, this time to the computer job. I got loads accomplished and listened to lots of new and uplifting music.
This makes me happy: (if it doesn't play, Lisa Hannigan, What'll I do)

So prettiness, productivity and pleasantness aside, I headed home. Arriving, I found my housemate had made dinner, and had planned that we go to the cinema. Inspired and excited (I was quite hyperactive... I blame the drugs) I donned full Audrey Hepburn attire in honor of the movie we were to see:





The Lovely Man and I had been so excited to go and see this. So I was worried I would be sad seeing it with just S, but it was absolutely wonderful. I want to write a full review, but I would rather if you knew nothing about it and just went and saw it. Definitely dress up, even if it's just a trilby, it's worth it!


I would include a picture of my attire, but I don't know, perhaps staying invisible is a good plan.


There is a downside to having a smartphone, and that's the constant knowledge of when you receive an email - I received none. Nothing, not even about the bank details. My heart hardens (happily?)


We left the cinema and went to meet U at a divine little joint that is styled prohibition era - nude women on the walls, mini chandeliers, and table service. On arrival, we were unsure what to get to drink - I teetotal now, so I haven't found my new goto. So I just asked for 'Something Nice', and that is exactly what the barman bought me... in a cocktail glass, with pistachio nuts... which were free! 


Feeling things go my way again is so refreshing. The uphill battle I had been fighting for so long seems to finally have brought me to the top of the mountain, and now I am sliding down, on the back of an oyster! I don't know that this fight had anything to with The Lovely Man... financial problems, college and work pressure, family stuff; it all compounded at times. But today, things were ok.


S left, and U stayed, and we had a delightful time mocking girls who looked in the mirror behind us too many times, and oggled at the wholesome looking guy sitting next to us. I am going to enjoy that - being able to notice other men and their merits, without feeling guilty!
 U and I ventured forth into the night, in her lovely car, and went and purchased the most infamous fastfood available in this city - KCs. It was AMAZING! Having not been able to eat properly in ages, my stomach doesn't know what has hit it. It just thinks in rainbows and butterflies...


Maybe my survival mechanisms have just kicked into overdrive, or maybe my third rule is the winner) but I am really not too glum. That said, its the hours just after midnight, the loneliest hours, who knows what will transpire in the fragile mind of mine. At least I have a cat, who incidentally, is doing somersaults to catch her tail as I write this. 

Day 2 - That Dark Black Place

RULE TWO: KEEP BUSY


I woke up feeling like a train had smashed into my head, oozing darkness into my being. Thank goodness the antibiotics had started to work - I laughed when I realised how cheesy my mind is: 'It's bad enough to have Bronchitis, but then to have the air sucked out of your lungs...'


But health permitted me to get up. Some more episodes containing violence and crime (where the bad guys always get caught) eased me into the day. Punchy music on my iPod (Parov Stelar and Elbow, if you want to know) and I was off to work. I work in retail, customer focused cosmetics. Its the 'Hi, how can I help you, please buy lots of things', smiley face, that is required that is difficult to pull off when you feel your insides are melting. 




I broke down as I arrived, but fortunately, working with all girls, I got lots and lots of sympathy. I'm not sure sympathy really helps though - 'you'll find somebody else' actually just sounds like a new mission to be accomplished, one you neither agreed to nor wanted. I like 'His loss' because it's true, in every situation. Not a huge fan of 'well maybe it's for the best' because how can you know that. I am happy to have my faith, (And God has been wonderful throughout this, constantly telling me to not be afraid - exactly what I needed- and that he keeps His promises) but we live on a linear timeline, were things happen and completely alter the course of life... one little change, and everything is different. But the alternative paths are not visible to us, so we never ever know if it's for the best. Like I said, faith is useful at this point.


So the second day was the toughest. I cried a lot, but I was also busy, so it was easier. Plus, due to Chinese New Year, I had to wear Geisha-like makeup with huge bright pink cheeks, just perfect for covering up puffy redness. Rule Two KEEP BUSY.


I broke yesterdays rule again:


I know I am writing again, It just suddenly occured to me that New Years was only two weeks ago...so a shift in feelings over a short period like that isn't something to be alarmed about. 

But again, this is all probably for the best.

Would like to hear from you at some point with regards to the bank details.

Love

(he had explained that his feeling had been different since New Years.)

And

Actually the more I think about it, the more I think it could still work - we just need to be more separate, giving each other space... not having to meet EVERY single day, but have a date night once or twice a week. I dunno, I am probably harping on and making this 'clear' cut messy, but you have to remember that when this all happened I was feeling really sick and cloudy and I finally have half my brain back... really not great timing, I think we could have worked through this.

Of course, if you still think not, then again, guess its for the best, I am not completely freaked out, just sad.

Yea, I sound totally desperate. He was my best friend and I still love him to bits - we were so great for each other. It used to be a little one-sided - he adored me and wanted to marry me, and I was a little reticent. Tables turn I guess. The last time we broke up, he wooed like hell to get me back - took me up a church tower and played the bells for me, my own personal melody that would ring across the city, telling of how much he loves me. Only a few months ago. Still a mystery. Still suspicious.

Thanks Hubble!

Day 1 - Denial

RULE ONE: DON'T MAKE CONTACT FIRST


Writing post haste, the first day was fine. I was still sick in bed, and could skip all work due to a wonderful doctor's note, so I snuggled with my cat and watched countless episodes of Criminal Minds and movies. One episode made me particularly happy as the boyfriend of a naive girl turned out to be this sociopathic serial killer. One point for not having a boyfriend goes to me. Watching action movies was also good, especially with hunky men. My fix was Thor, The Mechanic and Oceans Thirteen, only the later of which needed brain power. 


I was quite chipper, and began to wonder whether this whole thing as actually mutual as the Lovely Man had hoped it to be. But night came, and that deep black place started to push to the surface. I broke my rule DON'T MAKE CONTACT FIRST by sending him two emails. I have to include them here as forfeit:


Dear Lovely Man,

I was just thinking back to the last time we broke up - haven't we just done the same thing we did last time? Gotten boring, then got bored, then broke up? I dunno, its prob still for the best, its just sad.

God bless

And

PS please send your bank details soon. I may pay half this week, half the next week - would that be ok?


(I owe him a few bucks and we agreed it was easier to put it straight into the account rather than meet face to face)


I'm weak! He sent no reply, and I cried myself to sleep.

Introduction

My Lovely Man broke up with me Thursday the 18th of January 2012 after two wonderful years. It was an incredible time - we opened the world up for each other. A great relationship altogether. Then slightly out of the blue, while I had bronchitis (I'm much better now, thanks for asking) he says his feeling had changed. I appreciated his honesty, but my intuition says something else is up. Nevertheless, mystery aside, I have chosen to accept this and move on, and am attempting to avoid histrionics of any kind, no desperate late night calls begging him to take me back, no 'whatifs' or 'maybeifs'. No. I am free, I am beautiful and I can do better (at least, that's what my sister says, and although she is 15, she is terribly wise and I am happy to tow the line.


So this blog is going to chart my course over 30 days (or longer if it takes it!). It will explain how I feel, what I get up to, what makes me feel better and what doesn't, without undue sappiness. Read, sympathize and enjoy - I hope it helps if you ever go through the same thing.