The Bridge

On parting, we were not overly sentimental,
words unspoken need not be said,
the understanding hung over heads,
sword-less, yet sad;

Parting glances and embraces cherished,
but not over-thought.
the feelings somewhat overwrought
platonic, yet intimate;

Glancing back, I feared the worst,
but hoped the best
friendship might stand the test,
Not love, but not not.

The gap between you and me is filled with all the wonderful things that have not been expressed,

The End

This blog is no longer in use as I am no longer single; in fact I am wildly, madly, truly, deeply back in love with my Beautiful Man. I didn't go pining back, running or begging. I didn't seek out his company and beg for him again. No, he came and found me at my lowest, and slowly brought me back to life. It has been a strange few weeks and has been very hard at times, but with God's constant encouragement, and our careful deliberation, we can't help but be together, happily, excitedly, euphorically! The support is incredible, and as I said, it has been hard - we had a few things to work through, but as he pointed out, something that you are willing to work this hard for is worth working for; no relationship is refined until it has come through the flames. 


Thank-you for following and reading and encouraging me along. I hope my experiences were of use to some. You are all wonderful.

24, not 42.

Today has been a strange day, fraught with a whirlwind of emotions. Other things in my life have shaken me, but these things are not for this forum.

I did the stupid thing of looking where I shouldn't on facebook, and that, yet again sent me down a spiral. Being at work at the time, having to set up students on the wireless network did not help - I could barely speak. Happy, bouncy pictures plastered over the web are like little drops of vinegar. But I hvae been here before, and I should have listened to my rules - DONT LOOK ON FACEBOOK.

Really, I shouldn't be complaining, and it shouldn't upset me, especially as I have just had such a nice weekend. But as a wise friend told me, I am allowed to feel this way for a little time. I must just not take it out on him, or allow it to affect my life too much. I have so much to do and I have lost all enthusiasm and will to do it. But, I am still sitting in work, still trying to trundle along, just don't feel I am giving it my best.

Don't you hate when you start work in the light, stay in the basement for four hours and then when you come up, its dark?

Day 17 - Shining Brightly Sprightly

While momentary pangs occur every now and then when I think of him with someone else, my current dispostion doesn't allow for any lengthy regret. But I am slowly seeing my path more clearly, really revealing how separate and different our lives have become.

And I am so excited - to distraction. Right now, mostly about the prayer movement. And then a little later when the challenge (Bank of America) gets released and starts that chain of events that will last till Thursday. Its the wonderful people that I get to encounter daily, with the same passions and drive, that is getting me through. Though, I am not sure that I am doing that - just getting through - I think I am running at such a pace towards what I have been longing for. Starting each day with surrender - my first thoughts are of Him, not him. And life is good. Still loving dubstep, still following the rules, but I don't feel trapped.

I think I underwent a proper paradigm shift sometime after I tidied my room a few days ago. It was like I cleaned the last of any memories away, set completely free, making way for all the wonderful new stuff...

To Do:

Finish Cloud article for Science Spin

Win Bank of America Challenge (prize=3,500)

Do assignment for database due next week

Go to all lectures and work

Have wonderful dinner with wonderful people tonight

Have lovely weekend after madness has abated

And keep this updated...

Day 15 - Half way? Not.

Supposedly I am half way to my goal of being over Mr Nice (his new nickname - I shall explain in a moment), but to be perfectly honest, I am much much closer to the finale, if not already there. It is on that note that I write my most likely to be final rule:

RULE 10: FULLY REALLY ON GOD. FROG. 

That echoes something from a previous post I believe...

So after a lovely time at home, I rushed to Cork to be in time for work, slightly panicked all day as Mr Nice and I had planned to meet to hand over the final last bits. Three o' clock drew near, and my stomach was doing somersaults. He was late, and kept me waiting (standard) but we went for a coffee and chatted.

The nerves were so tense, but being us, we got straight to the point. 

'So how have you been over the past two weeks?' I was so tentative, completely unsure what result I hoped for. Mr Nice, equally cautious with those lovely eyes of his, sheepishly answered 'Actually, pretty good.' He paused to watch for my response. 

And all tension dissipated - we were entirely on the same page. So we talked. And talked. We discussed everything, how we felt about little things that had happened, how we felt about the idea of each other meeting other people, everything. It was so honest and open, and edifying. It was also confirmation, like the final page turning over, that this was right. About 5 or 6 cigarettes (on his part) later and we were hugging and saying goodbye. 

Turns out, my suspicion about the other girl were misguided, however, since then they have had a 'thing'. It makes me feel a little weird, but I know nothing happened before. It's just strange to think of him with someone else. Also hurt a little when he admitted that one of the main reasons was that he wanted to date other people. Just a jab at the old pride. I totally understand - I have been there before, with him! 

I told him about the blog - that should probably be a rule - DON'T TELL THE PERSON THE BLOG IS ABOUT. But it's not a rule. He laughed, and suggested that his new name can just be nice man. Mr Nice works better. It says everything. 

I am excited about where his life will go, but I am happy to not be a part of it - that path is just not for me. We have diverged as people, and it is just perfect.

Right now, I am considering it a miracle. The deep healing that I feel, despite the suddenness of it, the pain of it, the total trauma that I thought I was feeling, I think it has done me the world of good, and I am so grateful for it happening. I don't know if this will be the last post - I may still have more to say. If you read this, and want me to keep posting, maybe comment so. GOD IS GOOD.

Day 14 - Channa Masala, dancing

I skipped a day because yesterday was wonderful - finishing up the competition (which we have yet to hear the results of...I wait in anticipation), cleaning my house, going to a prayer meeting, making food... I invited a bunch of people who didn't necessarily know each other to my house for Chana Masala - I made heaps of it!

It was wonderful - such magnificent people! We went dancing and just had a wonderful time. So I didn't need to write. I was miserable when I got home though as I had bumped into his housemates while we were out. They were so lovely, expressing a desire to be friends with me regardless. It meant a lot to me, but I stupidly asked how he was doing. I don't know what response I wanted - do I want him to feel bad? of course! I want him to miss me. But I don't really want that - I want him to be content with the situation, and feel that it is right. But I don't want him to be happy either, because I am hurting! 

Ah! It was a well of confusing emotions. Anyway, I just started worrying about him, and everything became so real for a moment - I began to miss him. I know that now is the time to be focused on myself, building my life up again, filling it with friends, God, family, busyness, and so its right that I wouldn't worry about him. And I must continue to not worry, but last night I did, and it hurt.

It has been two weeks - we never made it that long before running back to each other the previous times we broke up, and that isn't going to happen this time, and it just hit me hard.

I am home now, snuggled up with a cat, a mum and a good tv show - good respite after a long week.

Day 13 - The List

I have had Gotye, Somebody that I Used to Know going through my head all day... But instead of making me feel great, like it did the first time I found it, I feel like I have been crumbling as the edges.

As the new found busyness becomes the norm, I now find the empty placed in the day- brief moments where I am reminded that I was rejected, that I an now a lone traveller. If course God soothes, carries and walks beside, and new friends fortify my sometimes flagging resolve, but the gap has not closed, nor been filled. That sick, almost panicked feeling deep in my stomach at times, threatens to overtake the calm exposure I maintain most if the time. I still cry.

But, onwards. I am sitting in a dentist chair as we speak, waiting for a supervisor to examine the work done. It is lovely to be told that I have very healthy teeth - I have Mum to thank for that! Yet my mind, being a funny thing, takes this nice information and stores it in a stupid list I am unconsciously compiling. It is titled ' reasons I am worth keeping.' This list depresses me and adds to my general frustration, but I think it may be a necessary prices to rebuild shattered self-confidence. Maybe. Right, the chair is reclining, must be involved in the moment...